You Might Not Do So Well As A Mutant BirdKid If
by Sarcastically. Sunshine
Summary: This isn't what I originally wanted to call the "story", but the original title is inside. Basically a list of things that wouldn't exactly qualify you as a good candidate for wings. My goal is 100. I may never reach that goal, nor ever pass 60. Sorry.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Maximum Ride. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. I'd be living in a mansion. Ari wouldn't have died, the 4th book would never have been written (not like that at least), and Max and Fang would at least admit they love each other (without being under the influence of drugs). Did any of those things really happen? Uhhh, I think not.**

You Might Want to Reconsider Becoming A Mutant Bird-Kid If...

1.You need to start every day with a hot shower.

2.The idea of dumpster-diving makes your stomach turn.

3.You're too soft hearted to kill Thumper for lunch.

4.You're too squeamish to eat desert rat without ketchup.

5.You're too squeamish to eat desert rat _period_**.**

6.Your knees go wobbly if you so much as look out a two-story window.

7.You get airsick.

8.You (God forbid) despise birds.

9.You faint at the sight of blood.

10.Camping is your idea of torture.

11.You spend hours getting dressed and applying makeup.

12.You're allergic to feathers.

13.You're always trying to walk through large windows and glass doors.

14.You must always be within a 1-mile radius of civilization.

15.You wouldn't/couldn't fight. Not even if your life depended on it. (Wich it frequently would.)

16.At any temperature below 68 degrees F, you begin to shiver.

17.Having a 6-year-old mind-reader-and-controller, who can talk to fish, breathe underwater, and change her appearance at will nearby seriously disturbs you.

18.You constantly find yourself saying, "What plan?"

19.A papercut is all it takes to put you out of commission indefinitely.

20.Stealing a car is completely against your morals.

21.Sarcasm and smart-aleck comments just aren't your thing.

22.You aren't at least partially insane.

23.Hearing a Voice in your head that isn't just you talking to yourself would result in you admitting yourself to a mental facility—and to heck with the fact that your wings will be discovered when they put the straitjacket on!

24.Even if you _did_ steal a car, when you crashed it you'd just sit there bleeding until the Erasers come to take you back to the School.

25.You'd feel bad about using someone else's ATM code to get money (no matter how much more you might need it) despite the fact that they _were _a jerk.

26.You have "blond moments" at inconvenient times—like when you're trying to hack into a computer in an ultra-secret lab before bloodthirsty monsters arrive to disembowel you, for example.

27.Remembering to breathe all the time isn't your piece of cake, much less remembering to _flap_.

28.You tend to thrash around when you sleep. (Well, sleeping in trees is out of the question, then.)

29.Your idea of first aid is, "Let me put a band-aid on it, and then I'll kiss the boo-boo to make it better."

30.Whenever you attempt to cook something over a campfire, it, and then the stick, catches on fire and you end up burning your hands.


	2. Chapter 2 NEW

**Chapter 3**

**Disclamer: I'm broke. Do you think JP, writer of bestselling books, would be broke? No. He is probably at this very moment sitting beside his swimming pool eating caviar. Or whatever it is rich people do with their time. I don't even _like_ caviar.**

**A/N: I'm really, really, reaaallly sorry for not updating sooner. I do actually feel bad. So I finished the next 20 I was planning to post months ago, and I'll try to update again soon, next week at the latest. I'd like to thank a friend for coming up with #31 and 32, but I guess I can't thank her since she probably won't read this. And also, thanks to **feathersofbronze **for #51. I just changed 'cat' to 'dog', because of Total.**

**So, please don't kill me for taking so long to update, and enjoy. And if you have any suggestions for the next chapter, please include them in you review. Assuming anyone will review. :)**

31.Your idea of adventure is going to the mall all by yourself.

32.It took you five minutes to figure out that the reason the car wouldn't start was because the keys weren't in the ignition. So...you might not wanna jump off a cliff. (Remembering you're only flapping one wing seconds before meeting your doom _isn't_ a good thing)

33. You spaz out at the slightest problem.

34.You have obsessive-compulsive disorder. It just wouldn't be convenient to wash your hands 16 times whenever they get dirty, count every wingbeat, or try to knock out an exact number of Erasers in every fight.

35.You are incapable of getting up earlier than 8:00 a.m.

36.You would rather get caught and brought back to the School than have to fend for yourself.

37.Having a talking dog—or any equally unusual animal for that matter—traveling with you would drive you mad.

38.You'd rather watch TV than go bungee jumping.

39.You don't work well in groups.

40.A bug is enough to scare the crap out of you.

41.You frequently drop things. Let's just hope that won't happen while you're flying, and it won't drop on someone's head.

42.When you're asleep, a foghorn blowing in your face couldn't wake you. Or several Erasers attacking, for that matter.

43.You have an aversion to dark, scary-looking caves. And lets not forget the numerous bats that might call that cave home.

44.You endanger yourself and anyone else around you when attempting anything that requires a high level of coordination. Good luck with learning how to fight. Or fly.

45.You haven't the slightest idea of how to prepare a meal for yourself, even if it's just ravioli in a can.

46.A crash landing, for you, is the _only_ kind of landing.

47.You wouldn't be capable of jumping through a window to escape only moments after being removed from an isolation tank.

48.Forget jumping through a window, you wouldn't even be able to play dead so you'd be taken out of the isolation tank.

49.In extremely stressful situations, every one of your brain cells mysteriously disappears.

50.Your skills don't include picking locks, building bombs, reading minds, super speed, computer hacking, or invisibility.

51.You're too weak to lift a small dog. So forget carrying said dog for hours on end, while flying.


End file.
